Sunday, November 14, 2010

Reason 30: Smelly Things

Sometimes I think the male nose is totally screwed up. Step into almost any bachelor pad and by the time your foot hits the carpet a very distinctive scent informs your nose without a shadow of a doubt that GUYS LIVE HERE!! And the truly bizarre thing is, somehow the men don't even seem to notice!

So what's with the stunted smellers? Maybe it's hereditary- a biological defense left over from the hunter/gatherer days of skinning animals and rotting meat... who knows?

The point is- what may seem like an undesirable trait to the average fragrance-encircled woman, can actually be a good thing! Think about it- It makes men the ideal candidates for certain sense-assaulting jobs: Unplugging a toilet. Taking out the trash. Fixing the garbage disposal. Cleaning up after the dog. (All things I can handle, but frankly, my nose and I would rather not) And with my very own nasally-challenged hunk around, I shouldn't have to!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reason 29: To even out the bed

I like big beds. Besides being roomier, compared to twins they just look better under fancy bedspreads and giant piles of decorative pillows! But I've noticed an annoying trend. No matter how many times I rotate the mattress, flip it around, and punch the sides, I can't seem to avoid the person-shaped dent that always develops smack in the middle. I've tried sleeping on the edges, but to no avail. It's almost like the mattress is mocking me, reminding me with its single-person-indentation that a bed of this size was meant for TWO.

I need to find a man, marry him, and bring some balance back to the bed. Of course, knowing my love of snuggling, this may just result in an even bigger dent in the middle...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Reason 28: To pull the giant prickly weeds

The other day I was weeding for a group service project, and ran into a monster of a weed! It was two feet high, prickly and huge, and had thick roots that ran deep. No matter how hard I tugged and pulled, scratching up my arms and straining my back, the darn thing wouldn't budge. And then I realized- there were men in the group! I simply turned around and said, "um, I think this one might be a bit too much for me..." and whammo! Three men magically appeared at my side- one with a shovel- eager to help. Two minutes later the evil monster plant was gone, the men stepped away proudly, having conquered the beast, and I went merrily on my way no worse for wear. Closest thing I've ever had to an "easy button" in my life!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Reason 27: To smell

The sense of smell is very powerful. I'm not speaking for all women... but definitely a great many are affected by a man who smells good. It can make heads turn, and not-so-hot men look really good. I even have small vials of Tommy because I just like sniffing it. Gives me tingles. So MEN! Find a good cologne and wear it!

Reason 26: Help me rearrange furniture

We decided one day that our living room was lacking Feng Shui and so set out to find the best arrangement for all our furniture. As we moved the couch, bookcases, desk, and entertainment center around and around the room, we started getting annoyed picking up and putting down, over and over again until finally settled on the best possible set up. After letting out a sigh, we exclaimed, "This is why I need a man!"

Reason 25: Um...duh.

'nuff said

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Reason 24: Because even the best daydreams stink without something to back them up

Like any girl with even a remote exposure to Jane Austen novels, I love to daydream. Romantic interludes with dashing strangers, dramatic heroic acts of rescue, poetic declarations of undying love, delicious marriage proposals, fairytale weddings- and all other topics capable of making girls giddy with endorphin induced twitterpation elation- are available to me 24 hours a day courtesy of a highly active imagination. It's exciting, it's magical, it's fantastically glorious! And it's totally fake.

Sigh. The sad truth about dreams is that that's all they are- and all they will ever be. Eventually you wake up, and reality comes crashing down around you in all it's boring drabbiness. Blah. But if I had a real man to swoon over.... even if the most poetic thing he comes up with is, "uh, you look nice," it will be music to my ears! We girls like to talk about our dreamy knights in shining armor with their eloquent speeches and heartwrenching good looks- but for the most part we just want a decent man in pants who likes us for who we are. Provided he has a pulse and actually exists in reality. Because then what you dream about suddenly begins to seem possible...

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Reason 23: A date for family functions

There is something about being single that can change family reunions, weddings, and holiday gatherings from joyous events to interrogation sessions the Spanish Inquisition would be proud of. Nearly the moment you arrive you are attacked by a barrage of questions from well-meaning-but-not-always-tactful relatives.
"So are you seeing anyone?" - "How is it that you still aren't married?" - "You're such a pretty girl, if only you would put yourself out there more!" - "You're not getting any younger, you know..."
And my favorite, "Hmmm, lets think, I'm sure we know someone we could set her up with..." Apparently it doesn't matter who I end up with- as long as I secure some random male who is willing to remove the "shame" of my singledom!
Sure would be nice to have a man on hand that I can drag to all these family functions- to help deflect annoying personal questions. Of course, they will probably just switch the line of questioning to "So, how soon are you two getting married? We need more grandbabies..." But then at least I can just give a sly secret smile and shrug it off... let them wonder whats going on!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Reason 22: To fan me with palm fronds and be my slave

Okay, so not really. But how much fun would it be to pretend?! I have a definite flair for the dramatic and love quoting movies and playing a the occasional game of make believe. And if a man is willing to play along... how can I not completely adore him?!
Whether rushing to the bottom of the stairs with a grin when I randomly cry out "Romeo, Romeo!" from top, greeting me with his best John Wayne impression, talking to me in random silly accents, or hailing me as the great Aphrodite Goddess of Love and Beauty as he tries to feed me a peeled grape- I love a man who can drop all this ridiculous pretense of being perfectly put together all the time and just be a goofball with me!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Reason 21: Knots

They can tie and untie knots. It's weird, but men have this 6th sense to know how to tie a mattress to the truck just so, and then are actually able to untie that mess. Knots in ropes, shoelaces, my necklace- all important items that I would love to hand over to a man. Very impressive talent! I'll let them have it.

Reason 20: So I can kiss you any time I want

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Reason 19: To go grocery shopping

Sometimes I really don't feel like going to store. I'm not in the mood to maneuver through people, it can take so much effort at times and I just don't want to do it. But of course I always need or want something. How nice would it be to just give my man a list?

Reason 18: To play with my hair

I've loved having my hair played with for as long as I can remember. How I adore it when men run their fingers through my hair. Gives me tingles.

Reason 17: To iron

I hate, hate, hate ironing. I never do it. If my clothes can't go in the dryer then I don't bother with them. Now I did meet a guy once, a good friend in college, that didn't mind ironing. In fact for a school year he would come over every week to iron my clothes. So I know they are out there. I'm willing to make deals here!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Reason 16: To baby me when I am sick

It is no fun being sick. But as mentioned in the previous post, the very presence of the right man can make anything more enjoyable. And if he is willing to tuck me in, fetch me kleenex and juice, make me chicken soup, and drive all the way across town to rent just the right girly movie to make me not feel so icky, all the better! And he gets even more Manly Man points if he throws in a few "you are so beautiful" comments in spite of my baggy sweats, red nose, pasty skin, and crazy hurricane bed head.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Reason 15: To play with

Men are some of the best playmates around! They are just great to hang out with. Theme parks, play grounds, card games, picnics, sports, water fights, camping, cooking, walks, or just curling up to watch a movie, they make so many things in life enjoyable just because they are there.

Reason 14: To warm my feet

My feet are ice, all the time. Men are natural furnaces. What would make more sense than to have them as my foot warmer?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Reason 13: Chauffeur

When it comes to regular errands and running around town, I hate driving. I mean I really HATE driving. I try to do all my errands at once and will sometimes put off a task till the next day because I just can't stand the thought of getting behind the wheel. I have no problem actually doing the errands- I just don't want to be the one in the driver's seat. Clearly what I need is a man to be my chauffeur! We can still take my car if need be, and I'm certainly not going to sit in the back or make him wear one of those silly hats! But oh how nice it would be to have someone else behind the wheel- and I'm sure I can come up with a satisfactory method of tipping him....

Reason 12: A Mighty Hunter

There are ferocious, scary creatures in this world that prey on helpless beautiful women, such as myself, and I need a man to hunt them down and KILL! Creatures such as spiders (this species causes particular distress to me), all insects of the creepy crawly nature, mice, snakes and so on. PLEASE protect me when I jump up onto a chair.

Reason 11: Open Jars

So I realize that this sounds really cliche, but there have been occasions that no matter what I do,  banging it against the counter or running warm water over it, I have a hard time opening jars. Now, I could resort to one of those grippy appliance things, but why use that when I could have a 6'3" rippling biceps man open my jar?

Reason 10: To rescue me

Now don't get me wrong- I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. "I am woman, hear me roar"- and all that jazz. But sometimes I get tired of wearing the pants and proving I can do all the tough stuff on my own. I long for the olden days of corsets so tight that women were fainting left and right- with men constantly running to their "delicate" sides to rescue them. Okay, so the corset thing would stink and fainting all the time would get old, but I could totally go for a man rescuing me in other situations. Changing a flat tire, retrieving things from the top shelf, and just holding me when I need to be girly and cry. Even just standing next to me with his tall comforting manliness so I can have a break from all the feministic independence pressure and just be a woman, peaceful and secure in the presence of her man.

Reason 9: To clean my shower

I actually enjoy cleaning. I find it very satisfying to complete tasks that give me a high level of return such as being in a clean and organized space. But even me- the obsessive-compulsive chick- has some chores that I dislike and procrastinate. One would be cleaning the tub/shower. I would prefer cleaning a toilet than the shower. At this time, I do so solemnly swear to whomever decides they can stand me enough to marry me, if they clean my shower, I will clean the toilet for the rest of our lives.

Reason 8: To snuggle with

I admit, snuggling with a pillow is very nice. So soft and can create a calm atmosphere. But there is nothing more enjoyable than laying your head against a man's chest, wrapping your arms around him and his arms around you. Listening to his heart and feeling him breathe. Now that is bliss!
And no, this is not satisfing in any way.

Reason 7: To Look At

Enough said.

Reason 6: To put worms on my fishing hook

Now, I want everyone to know...I have accomplished this task myself. It was truely painful, but I have ripped a worm in half and punctured the poor creature with a gigantic hook. Horrible experience, but proves that I am capable of doing it myself. But I want my man to do it for me so I don't have to have such dramatic, tragic experience whenever I go fishing.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Reason 5: Aching muscles

Need a man with big strong hands to give me back and shoulder rubs- the kind that dig real deep into the muscle until I am a warm blissful puddle on the floor. Even better if he has a deep soothing voice and is willing to sing to me, too... It all helps with the melting process.

Reason 4: To carry my totes

I hate going to the garage and lugging my totes inside and then having to lug them back out. If I so choose to decorate every month, that is just way too many times to have to mess with the totes. So I need a man who will lug my totes around all day long according to my hearts desire.

Reason 3: To bring me lunch at work

If I'm working at the hospital, I don't want to eat from the cafeteria because it's not good food or it's going to make my cholesterol go up. If I'm at Advanced Imagaing (our out-patient facility), then there is no food available. I need a man to bring me lunch when I can't get away.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Reason 2: All things weather related

There is a reason why men traditionally have shorter hair. They are uniquely suited to going out in nasty weather without suffering too much collateral damage- run their fingers through the wetness and whammo! Their hair is either back to normal or even hotter than before. (Mmmm, man with wet hair......) On the other hand, I require at least 25 minutes to properly recover from simply scraping my car windows in a snow storm, especially if blowdrying is involved. And don't even get me started on what rainy foggyness does to my makeup! Clearly I need a man to brave the elements for me- to shovel the walks, scrape the windows, start the car in the morning, and hold umbrellas for me, so I can stay out of Mother Nature's ickyness as much as possible. Avoid the damage, avoid the delays, and everyone is better off. So let's be rational about this, people, It's not about being pampered- it's about saving time. Obviously.

Reason 1: To carry my groceries

I usually have no problem shopping, bagging, putting them in the car, and putting them all away once inside the house; but I dread having to bring them into the house. One of the reasons that winter is nice is because it is cold enough to procrastinate and leave my groceries in the car till whenever.