Role of Man

Tia's little sister Emily is incredibly insightful for her age, and we are honored to post her hilarious essay on the Role of MAN...(written for an actual school assignment)

The Role of MAN (an Emily Hosman original)

Since the beginning of time, women have been attracted to men. Whether you believe in the big bang theory or the story of Adam and Eve, it is apparent that women are programmed with a psychological need for men. Without this need, the human race as we know it would cease to exist.
At first glance, the reasons for a woman to be attracted to a man are not obvious. In fact, you really have to dig deep to find any reasons at all. They are hairy, rude, stinky, and dense. So why do we, as women, like them? What could they possibly have to offer us? In this essay I wish to explore the complex reasons for my attraction to these wild creatures called men, along with the more obvious reasons that most women share.
After many years of experience dealing with other boy-crazy girls like myself, I have come to the conclusion that the number one manly attribute that causes a woman’s knees to buckle is muscles. We like a man who can protect us and move our furniture for us, so obviously muscles are important for a man to have. Defined pecks and chiseled abs are enough to make any woman’s heart melt. (Personally, I think that large biceps are more attractive than large pecks, but that’s just me).
The second thing that makes men irresistible is their money. You know what they say – diamonds are a girl’s best friend. This is unarguably a fundamental truth, but not just on a superficial level. A man with lots of money is better likely to provide for the basic needs of a family: food, shelter, healthcare, and a shiny car. Money is therefore a crucial component because women want to have happy, healthy babies.
There isn’t really anything else men are good for, but there are a few traits that make some men more desirable than others. These would include such things as: straight, white, proportional teeth, a sense of humor (not including farting, burping, or dirty jokes), eyelashes, small amounts of well-kept facial hair, a heart, cologne, and brains.
The truth is that no matter how gross, dirty, or inconsiderate men are, women still need them to survive. If we could continue the human race without them, we definitely would. Sadly, this is impossible, but maybe sometime in the near future technology will be advanced enough to where we can just eliminate the male species altogether and live in peace and happiness as women forever. Until that time comes, however, we will continue on our quest to change man into the perfect partner we dream him to be. :)