Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Reason 33: To put animals out of their misery

This is a bit depressing but bear with me. Recently, I drove home from work and as I pulled up to the house I notice a small bird. I was super close to it but when I drove by it didn't move. I walked up to it to investigate, in fact had my foot right next to it, the bird didn't move. The poor little bird was injured. There were cats everywhere. I scopped up the bird in a box; there was no way I was going to let some cat toy with the little  thing. But I didn't have a heart, courage or whatever you want to call it to put it out of its misery. I called up my brother and he came over to take care of it. I know it broke his heart too, but I was just bawling hysterically. In life, these situations happen. I also think of thie time I had to put down a cat, I was a wreck for days. How I would have liked my man to have done that so I didn't have to go through it.

Reason 32: To negotiate

Call me crazy, but I believe that it you have a listed a price for something...that is what it is. Then I just have to decide if I think its worth it to by it. Like at the grocery store. But no, this world is full of things that apparently someone with mad bargaining skills can get for my cheaper. Cars and homes are commonly known but also vacation packages, cell phone and credit card bills, even you gym membership. The idea of haggling is a daunting task and I'm no good at it. That is why I need a man to undertake negotiating prices for me. Too bad I can't use him to negotiate my salary.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Reason 31: To move all my junk!

Sorry to go so long between postings! We both moved out of state, and in the process, blogging took a back burner. But it gave us the wonderful opportunity to experience yet another reason why we need men: MOVING.

When it comes to the male physique, I'm a shoulders and chest kind of girl. Rippling pectorals and well built deltoids have always made my heart do a fluttery little flip! But let me tell you, I have never had quite so strong an appreciation for that part of anatomy until it was pushing my giant heavy book shelf up the stairs... ooh la la, now that's what I call manly! Or stacking my billions of boxes in the trailer, hauling appliances out to storage, and showing me just the right way to tie down a mattress.

I have come to the conclusion that a man is an essential element to any move. Kind of like a moving truck, or a dolly. They really help streamline the process, and help you avoid the annoying aches and pains that come from actually doing the work yourself! They have muscles. They have trucks. And best of all, they have this manly need to show their strength and ability to rescue poor helpless females that actually makes them want to come help you move! Its the best of both worlds: Mr. Muscle-y Hotness does the hard work of moving and loading all of your junk, while you sit back and enjoy the view. And in the end he is actually happy for the opportunity! Hey- maybe if you bat your eyelashes just right, he'll forget to tease you about your five boxes of shoes...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Reason 30: Smelly Things

Sometimes I think the male nose is totally screwed up. Step into almost any bachelor pad and by the time your foot hits the carpet a very distinctive scent informs your nose without a shadow of a doubt that GUYS LIVE HERE!! And the truly bizarre thing is, somehow the men don't even seem to notice!

So what's with the stunted smellers? Maybe it's hereditary- a biological defense left over from the hunter/gatherer days of skinning animals and rotting meat... who knows?

The point is- what may seem like an undesirable trait to the average fragrance-encircled woman, can actually be a good thing! Think about it- It makes men the ideal candidates for certain sense-assaulting jobs: Unplugging a toilet. Taking out the trash. Fixing the garbage disposal. Cleaning up after the dog. (All things I can handle, but frankly, my nose and I would rather not) And with my very own nasally-challenged hunk around, I shouldn't have to!!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reason 29: To even out the bed

I like big beds. Besides being roomier, compared to twins they just look better under fancy bedspreads and giant piles of decorative pillows! But I've noticed an annoying trend. No matter how many times I rotate the mattress, flip it around, and punch the sides, I can't seem to avoid the person-shaped dent that always develops smack in the middle. I've tried sleeping on the edges, but to no avail. It's almost like the mattress is mocking me, reminding me with its single-person-indentation that a bed of this size was meant for TWO.

I need to find a man, marry him, and bring some balance back to the bed. Of course, knowing my love of snuggling, this may just result in an even bigger dent in the middle...

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Reason 28: To pull the giant prickly weeds

The other day I was weeding for a group service project, and ran into a monster of a weed! It was two feet high, prickly and huge, and had thick roots that ran deep. No matter how hard I tugged and pulled, scratching up my arms and straining my back, the darn thing wouldn't budge. And then I realized- there were men in the group! I simply turned around and said, "um, I think this one might be a bit too much for me..." and whammo! Three men magically appeared at my side- one with a shovel- eager to help. Two minutes later the evil monster plant was gone, the men stepped away proudly, having conquered the beast, and I went merrily on my way no worse for wear. Closest thing I've ever had to an "easy button" in my life!

Friday, May 14, 2010

Reason 27: To smell

The sense of smell is very powerful. I'm not speaking for all women... but definitely a great many are affected by a man who smells good. It can make heads turn, and not-so-hot men look really good. I even have small vials of Tommy because I just like sniffing it. Gives me tingles. So MEN! Find a good cologne and wear it!

Reason 26: Help me rearrange furniture

We decided one day that our living room was lacking Feng Shui and so set out to find the best arrangement for all our furniture. As we moved the couch, bookcases, desk, and entertainment center around and around the room, we started getting annoyed picking up and putting down, over and over again until finally settled on the best possible set up. After letting out a sigh, we exclaimed, "This is why I need a man!"

Reason 25: Um...duh.

'nuff said

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Reason 24: Because even the best daydreams stink without something to back them up

Like any girl with even a remote exposure to Jane Austen novels, I love to daydream. Romantic interludes with dashing strangers, dramatic heroic acts of rescue, poetic declarations of undying love, delicious marriage proposals, fairytale weddings- and all other topics capable of making girls giddy with endorphin induced twitterpation elation- are available to me 24 hours a day courtesy of a highly active imagination. It's exciting, it's magical, it's fantastically glorious! And it's totally fake.

Sigh. The sad truth about dreams is that that's all they are- and all they will ever be. Eventually you wake up, and reality comes crashing down around you in all it's boring drabbiness. Blah. But if I had a real man to swoon over.... even if the most poetic thing he comes up with is, "uh, you look nice," it will be music to my ears! We girls like to talk about our dreamy knights in shining armor with their eloquent speeches and heartwrenching good looks- but for the most part we just want a decent man in pants who likes us for who we are. Provided he has a pulse and actually exists in reality. Because then what you dream about suddenly begins to seem possible...